My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
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saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My Sentiments Exactly
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.