To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*