If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
You Might Also Like
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Interior design 👌
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“No way.” -Jose
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?