1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
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No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Kids: Stay in school.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Choose your fighter
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please