Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I was bored.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.