Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
me
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.