My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*