me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.