Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed