My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.