Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.