Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.