“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
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Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).