Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
This is I, Robot all over again
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry