Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.