There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Every damn time
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy