Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf