I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.