[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.