People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.