My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.