wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]