Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection