drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!