ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Eat…
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.