Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.