If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope