I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
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I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My apartment is a mess, I should move
barbara was highly relatable
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?