I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
so, is there a mister shapen head
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]