that lip filler tho
You Might Also Like
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.