DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.