Best spoiler warning ever
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Somebody’s lying.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.