Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
#Caturday
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..