DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
mathematically impossible
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.