Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.