i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.