Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party