I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy