CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.