You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.