Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
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When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.