[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Are we there yet?…
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.