I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board