The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.