Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control