ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
not seeing the problem
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Oops I deleted….
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
(by @ZachWeiner )
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*