“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Why am I like this?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?