Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]