Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.