Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.